Top tips if refereeing your own child's team

I have refereed matches involving both of my sons - sometimes in football, but mostly in rugby.

My eldest recently recalled my refereeing performance for a tough school-cup match. They lost. One of my son’s team-mates told him, “Your dad is a p****”. Luckily, he still loves me, even after 27 years!

Despite being very confident about my rugby refereeing abilities, it was much harder to ref my children than adults. The emotional rollercoaster that normally goes with being the referee became much harder. 

Here are my reflections based on those experiences, mixed in with years of talking to others in the professional and grassroots spheres.

Pre-emptive conversation

Ask your child how they feel about you refereeing. The question should be framed not as a choice over whether it will happen but to prepare them for what is ahead.

Explain to them that you won’t be able to support them and discuss what will happen if they disagree with a decision.

Also, they must know how to deal with opposition players, coaches and spectators being less than kind about your decisions.

No need to tell the opposition

If you are going to referee well, the opposition need not know that you have a stake in the game beyond taking charge of it.

Of course, some teams will know already. That may fuel some accusations of bias, especially if a subjective decision doesn’t go their way.

It is always best to ignore any interaction that is a consequence of this perceived bias. They won’t believe you made any decision that doesn’t favour your child!

Neutral language

You will have warned your child that they will be treated like any other player. To make this even more effective, keep your language more neutral than you normally would, as if you don’t know any players on either team.

Using shirt numbers as opposed to players’ names helps. Also, use the referees’ law book as your language to explain decisions rather than add any colour.

Break the bias

Refereeing your own team is hard enough. It is easy to compensate both ways.

Sometimes you aren’t cheating but favouring your team because you see them every week - you know they are trying something and you want to reward that.

One way to break the bias is by favouring the opposition on close decisions. If you are accused of being a tough referee by your own side, take that as a compliment.

Projecting this on your child is even tougher. You are desperate for them to play well, enjoy the experience and be motivated to keep playing. 

Mentally rehearse tight moments where they may not be doing so well. How are you going to react? 

This is where you need leaders in the team to support your child. For example, tell the team about the challenges of refereeing them ahead of games. And perhaps share that in more detail with more mature players.

Your co-coaches will have to work hard on your behalf. They should also remember that you are doing them a favour by refereeing instead of them!

Discuss the game, not the decisions

Post-game, you will definitely feel anxious and hyped up. You need to allow time to bring yourself into the present of being a parent.

That is why, even if your child is asking for detail on your decisions (which they shouldn’t), you need to say that you will chat about the game but not yet.

When you do come to discuss it, lead the conversation away from your performance. You might have been brilliant – you don’t need your child to say that. More likely, you will feel you made too many errors or are conscious of others thinking that.

Again, any discussion of that nature should be with your co-coaches, not your child.